Meet your new dictator: Lord Chris Kiahtipes

This archived article was written by: Chris Kiahtipes

*This is transcript of the audio from a tape that was left outside of the newsroom in the Old Student Center*
Leroy Cletus: Chris, you say that you are going to throw your proverbial hat in the ring and run for the office of President of the United States.
Chris Kiahtipes: Absolutely Leroy, I plan on not only running for president, but I also plan on winning, come November. It really is only a matter of time before I move in. As a matter of fact, I have already put my comic book collection and action figures into boxes.
LC: It seems that you are pretty confident of yourself. Tell me, Chris, how do you plan on doing any of this in the first place? Don’t you still work for your dad, and if I am not mistaken, the entire contents of your savings is $12.22 and some candy bars that you left in a safety deposit box? How will you campaign with such meager funds?
CK: Well, the candy bars are for feeding my interns, who have graciously volunteered for the job. The $12.22 will be more than enough for me to buy a notebook and a pencil. Which, in turn, is more than enough to make at least 80 fliers if I use a whole sheet, and 160 if I tear the pages in half. So, say that the fliers get passed out and the interns do as they have been programmed …
LC: Programmed? My stars, are you building robot interns? We have all seen the ‘Terminator’ movies and frankly, robots only have a 13% approval rating at this point in time, slightly above carbohydrates.
CK: Ahem. I assure you that the robot interns are absolutely safe and are absolutely and without a doubt not a threat to the citizens of the U.S. I have not yet downloaded the Kung Fu or “chain-saw operation 2.0” software into their neural net processors. Thus, they are as docile as Rush Limbaugh on a prescription drug binge.
LC: Moving on, how do you plan on building an original and progressive platform that stands out from the Republican or Democratic platforms? On a similar note, what is your political platform? What foundations do you build on and what issues are you going to bring to the forefront?
CK: Wow, that’s quite a question. Let me start with this: my platform is not a platform. I am less interested in generalized political platforms and more interested in solid, progressive philosophy. The problem with platforms is that voters never really consider the way that a potentially elected official’s views interact with their character, which is a clear way to understand the substance of a person’s character.
LC: Is this what was missing with Bill Clinton?
CK: Bill Clinton’s character problem wasn’t his inability to control his libido. Bill Clinton’s problem was and is that he is a soulless puppet, as were many of the men before him, and those who followed. Continuing, my approach to politics, policy and government will be less focused on power struggle and focused more on the actual and obvious needs of the people. For example, instead of distracting the people of the nation with blind patriotism and quasi-wars with third world nations, I would focus the energy of the government on obliterating soulless corporations.
Instead of commissions and hours of news footage dedicated to finger pointing and foolishness that overshadows that of even the most ignorant of children, I would form a committee of experts who would read scripts for every movie and television show and then burn those that did not make the cut. George Lucas and Jerry Bruckheimer would be forced to produce something that doesn’t suck like a barnacle and I would be able to sleep at night.
Instead of denying the rights of homosexuals to choose whom to marry, I would simply raise the price of a homosexual’s marriage license from whatever it is now to the scalp and costume of a Ku Klux Klan (Republican Party) member or two scalps and two guns from two National Rifle Association members. I know, Leroy, that sounds unfair, but I’m not done yet. In order to keep such a venture fair for all, the government will supply baseball bats and tomahawks for the homosexual couples, so that even the poorest of homosexual couples can afford to get married in this great country.
Moving on to the previous question you asked, my philosophical approach to government is built from progressive, post-modern and the appropriate spiritual ideas. What people consider to be truth is constantly expanding and changing. Truth (as seen by great men like Ralph Waldo Emerson) is an ever growing, progressive thing. Thus the focus of my campaign and future government will not be upon clinging to self-righteous truths and vague ideas of morality.
The focus of my campaign and future government will be upon the education, expansion and illumination of the minds of whomever is willing. Spiritual enlightenment and the compassion that it inspires will be encouraged and officially endorsed. However, it is my promise that any dogmatic, self-centered and cave-blind religion that claims to be the sole guardian of truth will be deported to the island of Texas where they can continue their inbreeding without disturbing the rest of us.
LC: Island of Texas?
CK: The explosives that the government will not be using on the poor will be used to turn Texas into an island.
LC: I see. Tell me this, Chris, do you, who is still a student, think you could handle an open debate with both of the other presidential candidates?
CK: Well, assuming that our government would be open minded enough to let a third voice be heard in the debate, I think I could handle myself quite well. I think that absolute, corrosive honesty would make me a force in the debates. I would, without provocation, insult and then proceed to verbally rip my opponents to shreds. No points would be conceded and no mercy would be shown.
LC: What is the first thing you plan on doing if elected president? What kind of programs will you spearhead?
CK: I will be honest with you Leroy, I have a personal agenda that I plan to follow. Kind of like Bush and Iraq, it is my personal desire to wage war on all faux governments and the figureheads who do nothing but deceive the masses.
Thus, my personal agenda is aimed also at ASCEU. I will personally oversee the building of a massive concert hall in the wasteland just West of the Reeves building. Then, I will hand pick a committee of experts that will plan, advertise and produce good concerts, as opposed to the bad ones with the positive lyrics, quasi-famous names, pop-punk/cookie cutter bands and antitobacco advertising. ASCEU will then be required to go through the executive branch of the government in order to plan any activity.
I hope to produce, by this action, a group of CEU student-leaders that are actually leaders instead of bobble-heads with shoes, minus one Jed Lloyd. If the previously mentioned measures are not successful in breeding a new kind of leadership and thus, a new kind of CEU, then the concert hall will transform into a missile silo and turn the entire campus into a parking lot of burnt glass.
LC: That seems kind of harsh. I mean, I am pretty sure that they will not appreciate being called “bobble-heads with shoes” in print.”
CK: Well, you could always edit this interview later, right? It’s not like you can carry this to your editor and find out if you get to keep your freedom of speech for this article, right? Besides, if someone is ridiculed in print, it probably isn’t personal, it’s probably just a sign that you should be doing a better job. Thus, the only sensible recourse would be to do a better job and prove me wrong.
LC: Sure. As this interview ends, is there anything specific that you want to say to your fellow CEU students?
CK: Wait a second, you write for the Eagle?
LC: Of course.
CK: So you’re not from ‘Rolling Stone’?
LC: Umm … .no.
CK: Get the hell out of my office!
LC: Wait, no let me exp … … *audio is lost at this point, but Chris Kiahtipes’ lawyers and robot-interns insist that you remain calm, sedated and ignorant and let your government think for you*.