For men: tips on how to get a date for men

This archived article was written by: Dixon Woodruff

I wrote an article for women on how to get a date. Countless myriads of beautiful women came up to me and thanked me for the tips. It truly brings my heart joy to see people heeding my wisdom.  Tears come to my eyes when women slouch around to hide their height. You are welcome.
I had multiple requests from males and females for a follow-up column addressed to the men. The women are now more desirable and men want to ask them out. I have dozens of tips and ideas for men on how to ask out the one you would like on a date. Follow my steps and you will not be disappointed.
The first piece of advice is pretty much the same as the one I gave to the women. Men, it’s all about the height. Being short is not good. Being tall is good. There is a scale on height for your desirability. If you are less than five-feet tall, you are about as attractive as the original Oompa Loompas. If you are more than five feet, but less than 5 foot 6 inches, you have a chance with short girls, but you are about as attractive as the grandma version of Rose from Titanic. If you are over 5 foot 6 inches but less than 6 feet, you fit into the “average height” category. You’re attractiveness is largely based off of looks. You are as attractive as your reflection in the mirror. If you are over 6-feet tall, you are a lucky individual. You are as attractive as Channing Tatum, Taylor Lautner, Ryan Gossling and other ridiculously good looking saucy men. Even if your face is ugly, your height will cover that Halloween mask of a face.
It is my hope that every reader understands the importance of being tall. The average man isn’t over six feet, so that leaves the question, what do I do if I am short? The answer is to get taller. Shoes can give a few extra inches. However, very few men can pull of a pair of stilettos.  For an extra three inches, try wearing roller blades. Nothing says sassy like rolling around in a pair of roller blades, denim short shorts and a mesh wife beater. You will double the amount of dates you get by doubling the amount of genders you attract.          
Another killer way of appearing larger than life is to take the high grounds. When you ask a woman on a date, do it from a tree. If you get turned down you can just say, “I was totally kidding about the date thing. Besides, I am climbing trees and have no time to go on a date with a silly girl like you.”
One huge factor is hair. Women are spread across the board with liking hair on guys. The hair that matters most is the mustache hair. Some women love a mustached man and think that kissing him is amazing. They will compare his upper lip to a cat’s tail. On the other hand, some females don’t like kissing cats (and their tails specifically). You want to appeal to both groups of women, so split the difference. Grow out a thick mustache and shave half of it off. This way you can have a hair-loving woman on your mustached side and a naked-face-loving woman on the other side. You can kiss them both at the same time, if you want. Could it be any better? I don’t think so.
There is another thing that splits ladies down the middle. Some women are animal lovers. If you walk around with a puppy on a leash, these ladies will be drawn to you. Other women don’t like puppies and are more of plant people. They like things like peas, carrots and corn more than cats and dogs. If you walked down the street with a cart full of fresh produce, they will want to sample everything they see, including you. How in the world can you attract both types? How can you combine plants and animals? The answer is simple; you must always carry around corn dogs.
When asking out the girl you have been eyeing, one must be creative and have flawless timing. Most gals love to talk in the bathroom and at slumber parties about boys. Here are a couple examples of what they talk about:
The first situation, two girls are powdering their noses in the lady’s room. They look at each other and say simultaneously, “Girl power, let’s do this!” They then pull out their phones and discuss calls, texts, tweets and any other form of conversation between them and the guys in their lives. After carefully coordinating notes, they decide whether or not a man is “datable.” After their decision has been made, they then give a powerful high-five and say, “Girl power, we did that!” This is a shocking event to say the least. Men you must be quite reputable when this ritual occurs and believe me, it will. How do I know about this bathroom blunder? Believe me when I say that you do not want to know.
The second situation, four girls are enjoying a slumber party. Their night will almost definitely include painting nails, chick-flicks, pillow fights, Pretty Pretty Princess, tickling/giggling, beer pong, and, of course, spooning. After the typical events have taken place, they get down to business to defeat the H.U.N.S. This is a mnemonic for Havoc of Understanding Nummy Sportsmen. For the lame reader, this means that they are going to talk about hot guys. You must be a hot guy. If they do talk about you, then you are gorgeous in their minds on this night of delight. For just having your name mentioned, you will earn 40-Hunk points. How do I know what happens at girls’ sleepovers? Like I said before, you do not want to know.
Clearly you want to be talked about in the bathroom and at slumber parties. The question is how you do this. Two things instantly come to my mind. One, you must have good teeth; and two, you must have good handwriting.  Simple enough, right? Wrong. In the eyes of girls, good teeth means a golden grill with diamonds and good handwriting means graffiti abilities. You must be a gangster to get talked about in the ladies room or at slumber parties. Women only like gangsters.
A sad truth is that being rejected is going to happen. Don’t get discouraged. To help you feel better after getting turned down I have created the perfect response to a “no.” Here is an example:
You ask, “Would you like to go on a date?”
She says, “No.”
You fire back, “What a relief! I have asked every guy I know if he would go on a date with you and there wasn’t a single one that would. Anyways, I guess I will see you around.”
Now getting turned down can be fun. I almost look forward to it.
At last, my friends with the XY chromosomal combination, you are ready. You are ready for the biggest date tip I can muster up. The single best way to get a date is to be me. Deal with it.