This archived article was written by: Dixon Woodruff
Jump on the love train because it is at you’re station and time is running out. This is the last column of the semester and it’s now or never. Love and laughter go hand in hand. I wish that all left hands were named love and all right hands were named laughter. When two people hold hands, they would have the two things that make this world a better place. I have written about tips for success in your love life, while hopefully helping to bring a few laughs along for the ride. In all honesty, my previous columns have been horrendous and the tips I have given would most likely be illegal in this country. I have had trouble thinking about what to write for this final column. I wanted to write the funniest column of all, but instead decided to be a man. I will give the best advice I can think of on love. Get ready to learn about love.
All true signs of love come with the desire to show affection. When you find the love of your life, you want to shower them with kindness and bathe them with affection. Compliments go a long way. When you dance with the woman of your dreams, kindly say, “you don’t sweat much for a fatty.” How sweet is that? I promise it will bring tears to her eyes. Or you can say to the man, “Hey honey, you don’t look as ugly today as you normally do.” That is tender.
You know you love someone if you like the way they smell all the time. If your darling smells strong of body odor and you don’t cringe, this is love. Believe me, when I say that if you can bear the combination of corn chips and onions coming from your partner’s pits, you can get through anything with them.
Love can be a shared secret. A good way to make somebody love you is to do it subliminally. Type a message on your phone like, “You love me, you know you do! Love me or else!” Flash your phone in front of their face so quickly that they can’t read it. Magically, you will embed deep in their mind this message and it will soon become true.
Each gift given is an expression of love. One way to know how much they appreciate your gifts is to change what you get them. Instead of buying them silver or gold, buy them nonsense dollar-store gifts. If they reject or throw your gift away, then there is no harm inflicted and no money wasted. If they keep your custom engraved wine glass that says, “#1 Grandma,” you know they aren’t keeping the gift for practical reasons. They are keeping it because of how much you mean to them. If they put up with your garbage, you should put up with theirs because they are worth it.
Eventually, if it hasn’t happened, you will hold hands with your sweetie pie. It is much better to hold hands randomly than to do it when you watch movies. You know you both have “it” bad when you hold hands when you are both sweaty. The best time to hold hands is when it is inappropriate or awkward. If you come across somebody who will hold your hand while you are in the bathroom, you have found true love.
If you know what love is, then you know how hard it can be to let go. It is almost impossible to go on with your life knowing that the best thing in it is going to be gone. If you love somebody, you want what’s best for them. You want them to be happy, even if it means that their happiness is without you. The thing about true love is that it is like a bungee cord. You let go and hope that they come back. Sometimes they do; sometimes they don’t. If they come back, it is true love.
Learning how to smile is ginormous in a successful relationship. Your smile will brighten the room. If you smile, then your love will smile back. A smile goes a mile when a frown goes a foot. Two-love birds can fly through any trial if their beaks bear a grin. (One thing to keep in mind is if you have no teeth, smiling may have the opposite effect.)
Oh, how lovely is a homemade gift. If you have the choice between store bought and homemade, always choose homemade sometimes. When it comes to simple items around the house such as a napkin holder, a blanket, or a flower pot you can add a touch of flare and love by doing it yourself. When it comes to things like a car, a microwave, or a toilet, you should probably not make it yourself. The last thing you want is a crack in your toilet bowl because more than love can be spilled on the floor.
Vampires know a lot about love. They coined the phrase, “Love Sucks.” One thing that these silly creatures don’t understand about love is nicknames. If you really care for someone, you will soon create nicknames for them. You can call them simple things that make no sense to other people, but to each other these nicknames can mean the world. For instance, you can nickname your love Peaches. In front of a group of people you can say “I love Peaches.” Everyone will look at you with a confused look except your little peach. Your sweetheart will be blushing and will try to hide their face. Vampires just don’t understand that.
Embarrassing your love may not be such a good idea, so you can tell them these sweet nothings privately. I believe that sending a text or writing a note is a good way to send a quick message of affection and it is also a way to hide a secret message. You can create your own puzzle for them to figure out. You can “accidently” type a number into you message and if you move over that many letters, you will have a piece of the puzzle. You can also adjust the first or last letter of each paragraph in a note to create a secret message. These little things will be worth the extra bit of effort. The note is good, the secret is great and true love is worth it.
You must always be honest most of the time. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. If your honey bun looks like they just woke up, you shouldn’t point that out. They always look their best, no matter what (even when they don’t.)
Open your heart and take the true love test. You need a sure fire way to see if you are in love. You should take the two-step time test. Sit in an empty room with the person you might love. Have a clock on the wall and see if you can just sit next to them for an hour. If you can do this then you have passed stage one. The next stage proves if you love them. Step two is the same, except you take the batteries out of the clock.
Understand that all good things in life require waiting. Good things come to those who wait. (That’s why I always tip at a restaurant.) Love is like a Rubik’s Cube, there are more than a trillion-wrong combinations, but only one that is right. Once it all fits, you will realize that it was worth the wait. You will understand that it is all about the journey and not the destination. You may have to go a long period of time as just friends. If you work and hard and get a bit of luck, you may become best friends. If you give it your all and a miracle strikes, best friends will stay best friends forever. You will realize that your best friend is the only one you can truly love.