How to keep your New Year’s resolutions all year

This archived article was written by: Dixon Woodruff

Every New Year represents a chance to start over. Come the first day of January, people decide that it is a perfect time to change. When the clock strikes midnight, the year decides to have a birthday and change its age. People, especially within the United States, figure that they too must change something. This is how the strange tradition of New Year’s resolutions was born.
In the U.S. an average of 45 percent of Americans usually make resolutions each year and only eight percent of those actually keep their resolution. This means that of the more than 300 million people in this country, only about 10 million will make and complete their set of goals for the year. However, it seems like the odds are one “in” 10 million of succeeding instead of one “of” 10 million. How does this small group of less than four percent of Americans do it? What are the keys to success?
One of the most crucial statistics in resolutions is making the resolutions known. An expressed desire to change is one thing while an explicit statement of the end result as though it were a fact will make all the difference. For instance a person can say, “I would like to lose 20 pounds this year” or they can say, “I will lose 20 pounds this year.” People who make resolutions using the latter statement are 10 times more likely to actually fulfill the desire. The end goal is 20 pounds for both, the difference is the level of accountability between the two.
There is no limit to the resolution which is made, yet year after year, the most common resolution is to simply lose weight. Some want to lose 75 pounds or more and others just want to lose an inch off their waist in order to fit into an old pair of jeans. This article will give advice that is so sure to work that just reading the tips may burn a few hundred calories.
The first sure fire way to lose a couple unsightly pounds is vigorous exercise. This tip is the most obvious one. The problem with exercise is that most people can’t seem to find the drive they need to get going. They have a desire to exercise until they find themselves looking at the treadmill. In this moment where they realize that life is about to suck, something happens and they decide that it isn’t worth it. That split second of indecision changes everything. The key is to avoid that moment of late decision.
The solution is simple, find a second grader and pay them to chase you with a tennis racquet every time they pick their nose. You won’t have a moment of indecision this way. There will always be a child threatening you. They will have poor impulse control and a surprising amount of power and enjoyment in swinging an object filled with pain. Adults can’t (legally) fight the child so their options are to run with moderate pain in the legs and lungs or sit and tolerate a large amount of nonsensical pain in various body parts.
Another problem is that many people overeat or eat poorly. When the temptation is there, most will give in to the subtle scent of baked goods, a juicy grilled steak or one small chocolate candy which almost always escalates into half the bag. The problem lies in the fact that there are no real consequences immediately following the gorge.
The solution comes from that same second grader. Simply double their wages from one $1 to $2 and they will be more than happy to help again. Second graders have a seemingly endless supply of nasal goodies. Make a deal with them to season all your tempting treats with their green nostril sprinkles. If you somehow think that you will find yourself sneaking an untainted treat, punish yourself with the juiciest mucus bat found in the proboscis cavern of the young child. Eating will never be the same again.
Don’t be angry at this little helper. If you have one more dollar to spare you have one more way to lose weight. Thankfully, there will be no worry about boogers with this tip. Sit down with the lad and make them one final deal. Tell them that this last dollar can be theirs if you don’t lose your desired weight by the end of the year. Going back to the first tip for success, a power statement of accountability must be made. Look straight into the eyes of the child and say, “This is my dollar because I will lose 20 pounds this year.” Keep the dollar in a place where it is visible several times a day, like the bathroom mirror. It will haunt you like foul body odor. And at the end of the year, when you have kept your goal, you can frame your hard earned dollar and display it proudly.
Losing weight this New Year will be easy. You just need a few dollars, a boogie filled child and sure fire statement that you will lose the weight.