December 2, 2023

Wyatt’s guide to Rizz

What is rizz? Rizz is the moment that ice cold water hits your tongue at 3 am. It’s when Messi and Rizznaldo make the winning pass and score the winning goal.

Valentine’s Day is around the corner–and with it–National Singles Awareness day. To limit the amount of people celebrating the latter, we’re going to be going over something important. 


What is rizz? Rizz is the moment that ice cold water hits your tongue at 3 am. It’s when Messi and Rizznaldo make the winning pass and score the winning goal. It’s when Shrek saves the princess and defeats the dragon. It’s being so ridiculously competent and smooth that it blows everyone away. Rizz is what’s going to net you your Valentine.

But what is rizz really?

If someone cooks the best pasta you’ve eaten in weeks, they’ve got that rizzatoni. After a car accident, the first rizzponders are there making sure everyone is okay. If someone’s a great gardener, they got that plant rizz. Rizz transcends more than just relationships and flirting. It’s a part of everyday life.

Everyone has an inner rizzly bear waiting to be unleashed, and it all begins with your mindset. It’s more than the slick comments. More than knowing when to pull that lightskin stare, or strike that infamous Blue Steel look. It’s having utmost confidence in what you’re doing, no matter how much you think you’re about to get a rizztraining order.

That being said, don’t go and do something stupid then call it “rizz.” Consider your chances with your date gone if you say something like “Are you from Tennessee?” or “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” Rizz is supposed to be clever and creative. Not some trite, overused pickup line. Say something like that and you’re headed straight to prizzon.

How are you going to get rizz, you ask?

You already have it.

Be more confident. If you really doubt yourself that much, then identify something that makes you feel horrible. Maybe you don’t exercise, you’re struggling in school and your RizzPA has dropped too much, or you’re the wrong kind of rizzaholic. Something along those lines.

Now commit to changing yourself. You don’t need to wait for new years rizzolutions, something life altering, or for someone to call you out on what you’re insecure about. The best time to change is now. Once you start, you’re already on your way to becoming the next Rizzard of Oz.

Valentine’s Day is still a couple weeks away. You have plenty of time to build your rizz before asking out your date. Just like any investment, it begins with a small commitment. Go out of your way to help people with their daily struggles, and do simple things like hold the door for people. Despite what you might think, people notice the small things. Get in good habits now, and you’re one step closer to being The Boy who Cried Rizz.

After performing that rizzerruction on your self esteem, it’ll be time. Find something that your date likes–or something fun that you’ll both enjoy–and just go with the flow. After living a healthier and more rizzilicious life, you’ll be ready to wow that lucky someone.

If things go south, use your degree in Quantum Rizzics to sort them out. You might need to change your plans entirely off a whim, and that’s okay. If you get rejected, you’re still a winner for choosing to live a happier and healthier life. If worst comes to worst, there will be dozens of others pining after you because your Corona Virizz is everywhere.

Becoming a rizzilionaire isn’t easy, but if it wasn’t hard it wouldn’t be worth it.

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