June 20, 2024

The “objectively” correct top five cereals

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We’ve all heard the saying hundreds of times, and yet most people still actively skip, ignore, or skrimp out on their breakfast. To help combat the breakfast laziness and cereal hate, here are five cereals you can eat to help get your day off on the right foot. Cereals are ranked based on an objectively correct opinion (the author’s), versatility, shape, and taste.

#5 Kellogg’s flakes

Any variant of Kellog’s flakes is bound to taste good. From the name brand “Frosted Flakes,” to some generic flakes that should be eaten with fruit.

And really, that’s about it! There isn’t a whole lot more to say. The cereal is just good. You’re not going to find anyone who dislikes it, but it’s not exactly anyone’s favorite either. Sure, it might be the cereal someone eats the most, but it’s only because everything else is too sugary or unhealthy. The flakes are also a pleasant shape that feels good to crunch, or crush with your tongue against the roof of your mouth.

Whenever and however you want to eat your Kellogg’s, they’re always going have a pleasant, sweet taste that leaves you satisfied.

#4 Kellogg’s Rice Krispies

A criminally underrated cereal. Attack me all you want, but they’re better than Kellogs’ and they deserve their spot at #4. You’d be hard pressed to find someone who thinks cereal is bad.

Rice Krispies might not be the most popular, but boy are they versatile. They’re fun to eat, used in a plethora of deserts, and make those fun crackle, pop sounds whenever you add in your milk. Admittedly, the downside of this cereal is that it can be coarse, rough, irritating and get everywhere, but the fun factor makes up for it. The little rice grains can be annoying if they spill, but it’s just guaranteeing you have a yummy snack later!

The taste isn’t anything special. It’s like lowkey, mildly sweet rice. Deserving of a number four spot, but better tasting than any traditional flakes

#3: Post Holding’s Honeycomb

A standard opinion. Honeycomb frequents cereal tier lists in the mid to upper tiers, it’s no different here. Children and adults of all ages love honeycomb, but it’s rarely ever someone’s favorite. Eat too much of the stuff–while it might feel great at the time–about fifteen minutes later you’re feeling sick from all the sugar you just ingested.

There isn’t much to say about its versatility. It’s just like any other cereal. Eat it whenever you want.

Honeycomb also has an iconic shape that’s practically defined its popularity. While I’ll leave it to you to guess exactly what it is, it’s a brilliant and unique take in an industry dominated by boring O-shaped cereal.

#2: Any kind of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

While I think this one explains itself, let me ask you this: have you ever heard someone say they dislike cinnamon toast crunch? I don’t even like cinnamon, and I can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s the perfect mix of sugary goodness, and whatever other “nutrients” they toss into that stuff that makes us addicted.

The shape is also this beautiful, mini-toast that gives the cereal its name. It’s divided into these cute little squares that elicit glee and excitement whenever you look down at your bowl. This is one of those cereals where there really isn’t a whole lot to say other than “it’s hecka good.” Only, it’s really hecka good. Hecka good enough to earn itself a spot at #2 on the objectively correct list.

Admittedly, it isn’t always the easiest to eat as a snack or without milk. However, the divine taste makes up for it tenfold. Also, if you try eating it dry, the sugar is going to get all over your fingers and be miserable to clean off.

#1: General Mill’s Cheerios

And the dark horse coming in at number one is none other than the cereal we’ve all grown up with and love. It holds a special place in any real cereal connoisseur’s heart, but I can already hear what the other half of you are thinking. “EW! That bland, flavorless, horrible cereal? At least say Honey Nut!”

Honey Nut Cheerios are for those who can’t handle the sheer gloriousness of regular Cheerios. If there are any children here who NEED honey on their cereal, please refer back to HoneyComb at number three and stop reading the article, because now the adults are talking.

Baby won’t stop crying? Give it Cheerios. Friends won’t stop crying about their day? Give them cheerios. Old people won’t stop crying about the way the world used to be? Give them cheerios. In a hurry?  Pour some cheerios into a bag and take them with you. Better yet, take the whole box with you. There’s never a bad time or place for Cheerios.

Cheerios are both the perfect snack and breakfast. Tasting Cheerios is getting a taste of the ambrosia of cereal. When you pick up a handful of cheerios and toss them into your mouth… It’s the perfect amount of dry, flavorless grain and salt that helps you realize that sometimes, less is more.

Still doubtful? Eat a mouthful of dry cheerios, take a swig of water, and thank me later.

I shouldn’t have to say anything about the shape of Cheerios. General Mills are simply pioneers of their industry. They were making round, O-shaped cereal before it was cool. Sure, it might be trite and a bit overused now, but only because of General Mill’s foresight.

The only flaw of our #1 cereal is that the box always disappears too quickly.