Nintendo criticized for supervillainish conduct (satire entry)

Disclaimer: This piece is a work of satire based on current events, exaggerated for comedic effect. For instance, no megacorporation has declared ownership of its users’ souls just yet.

Recently, Nintendo has been at the heart of a series of significant controversies. The CEO, Doug Bowser, has stepped down amid allegations that he abducted a princess from a neighboring country and held her hostage in a castle filled with lava and turtle skeletons. The princess is set to testify before the Supreme Court of Japan in the coming months, and many have concerns that this could lead to an international incident. However, this is far from the only concern people have with Nintendo’s conduct.

Nintendo has recently released the Switch 2. Critics have characterized Nintendo’s pricing as being overly high. The $500 price of the Switch 2 is lower than its competition, but its terms of use, forfeiting your soul to Nintendo, have been the subject of some concern. Nintendo claims they will only use your soul for “Necessary Console Functionality” and not drain or exploit it, but many people have their doubts. Nintendo has also priced Switch 2 games at $180. Defenders of the company have said such things as, “Nothing is wrong with this pricing as long as the games are good.”, “Doesn’t everyone have hundreds of dollars to spend on a couple of video games?”, and “Even if you don’t have enough money, they now take firstborn children in trade. Surely you have one of those.”  However, many fans still believe the pricing to be too high.

In addition, it appears that Nintendo has taken complete control of the U.S. Patent Office. Footage has been found of Mr. Bowser a few weeks before retirement, bragging about his conquest and “Laughing like a monstrous turtle,” as one whistleblower put it. They tested the waters by patenting the concepts of summoners and vehicles in video games. Then, they patented the idea of video games. After this, they patented the concept of animals, since Pokémon and many of their other franchises are heavily reliant on them. They have since filed for several more patents including a patent on Humans(Due to humans being heavily featured in nintendo products), a patent on Jumping(To, as Mr. Bowser put it, “Stop that Luigi from breaking into my lava castle, I mean headquarters”), and a patent on Fire, Water, and Grass(Three iconic pokemon types). If these patents are upheld, they could have significant consequences. For instance, no human or animal would be able to reproduce without being sued by Nintendo, although there is a chance Nintendo may allow them to reproduce if they’ve purchased a Nintendo Switch 2TM System.

In addition, Nintendo may be able to sue anyone who starts a fire, grows a lawn, jumps, or uses running water. Many economists and business owners have praised them for their intelligent business decisions, which maximize shareholder profits while utilizing the principles of supply and demand. However, consumers are notably more skeptical.

Nintendo is certainly getting embroiled in some major controversy. Many fear what they could do to make things worse. Some worry they may escalate to even more supervillainish conduct, such as building a doomsday device, locking innocent people in cages in an alligator swamp of despair, unleashing sealed eldritch horrors, or hunting down magical artifacts of immeasurable power. Boycotts are expected to begin soon.