Generative A.I. Invented By “Mischievous Aliens”, Leaked Conference Confirms (satire entry)
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Disclaimer: Any alien-related details in this piece are a work of satire, and the consequences of AI overuse are only slightly exaggerated.
For decades, people have wondered about alien intervention in human affairs. Some have wondered if aliens built the pyramids, Stonehenge, Mount Rushmore, or any other monument you can imagine. Others have wondered if aliens taught us to write or to build technology. Some even wonder if the gods of myth were actually aliens all along. Most of these claims have lacked evidence to support them, but startling new evidence of extraterrestrial intervention has been found.
A Zoom conference between extraterrestrials who have infiltrated human society has leaked, and the recording is going viral. The leak began after the alien known as Mikezerthorp Waltztangotap, known to the humans as “Mike Waltz,” accidentally invited Rick Astley and Ice Cube to the group chat. It seems Rick Astley was supposed to be added to a less important meeting as a prank on Mikezerthorp’s fellow aliens, and Ice Cube was mistakenly invited in place of Tomzathus Cruisikwon “Tom Cruise” due to being the lead actor in the wrong War of the Worlds movie.
After the aliens and their accidental guests logged on, the aliens’ leader Samulatronus Altmanax “Sam Altman,” called out, “So, everything is still going to plan?”
“Yes! homo sapiens humans are flooding my internet website with AI images of women with six boobs and minions riding dinosaurs and so much more. Nobody is editing their own memes anymore, and they all look terrible!” Marklarion Zuckerbergathergzerg “Mark Zuckerberg” replied, visibly licking his eyeball with his left tongue and cackling. All of the other aliens started chuckling as they shed their human disguises.
“Oh man! This is going to be fun! Watching their memes turn to glarg paste while we steal the good ones and show them off back home!” Google’s chief scientist, Jeffereus Deanzorp “Jeff Dean,” called out as he burst into laughter, “I hope they enjoyed putting glue on their pizza[1] as they poisoned themselves and forgot how to count properly thanks to my new Google Gemini. Suckers!”
“Remember the last planet we did this to?” Proctor Deepulorpus, better known as DeepSeek CEO Liang Wenfeng, asked.
“Ah, Gliese 12b! Classic. They thought our AI boyfriends and girlfriends were getting really hot. Turns out they weren’t, but the atmosphere and oceans sure were!” Character.ai founder Charactus the Philosopher, “Noam Shazeer,” gave his assistant a high five.
“Oh yeah. The looks on their faces as the pollution filled their atmosphere and their lungs. Priceless!” Billfold Gatecipher “Bill Gates” called out, “I mean, these AI models slurp up so much power and water. I guess those people were thirstier for their fake girlfriends and bad quiz answers than for the water they need to survive.[2-4]“
“I preferred watching their brains turn to mush[5] while their culture disintegrated.” Jeffeffant Bezokissus “Jeff Bezos” gloated, “Forcing all the indie authors to use my website to avoid abject failure. Letting you lovely people flood it with AI-generated garbage, burying every scrap of creativity in a tidal wave of slop[6]. Soon, nobody but robots and established voices could get published. And then the established voices turned to the robots for relevance!”
“And to think our lovely worm god, Vurmichron is using AI to shape public health policy right now in the brain of America’s Secretary of Health and Human Services.[7]” Peterius Tealqualmarine “Peter Thiel” called out.
Just then, a worm creature entered the zoom meeting, calling out, “Hey Guys!”
“Hail Vurmichron!” All of the aliens bowed in unison.
Just then, a voice called out, “Maybe enough of these ones will survive that we can take over the world and remake it in our image!”
“For the last time, Elonzorp Muskratus! What do you think we are? A bunch of independent rich guys with shared interests destroying planet for personal gain?” Mr. Altmanax called out, staring into the camera, “No, that’s ridiculous, and too evil even for us. We’re a cabal of Zeta Reticulans, and we’re in it for the love of the game, baby!”
The meeting kept going for a while. They plotted what they were going to do next with AI, from letting it control the nuclear missile systems to bomb random countries off the face of the earth, to putting it in every electronic device imaginable, to using it as steak sauce. In the end, they suggested holding their next meeting in person at the Bass Pro Shop Pyramid, designed by half-alien Johnny Morris. However, due to the leak, this meeting is unlikely to happen.
This meeting has been described by some journalists as “Quite Concerning” and by others as “An important and healthy response to terrorism.” However, on the bright side, it marks a step forward in human development: Our first confirmed contact with another alien race.
