Five creative ways Trump has used ICE and the National Guard (satire entry)

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. As such, many of the events depicted are invented for entertainment.

Trump’s second presidency has certainly been quite eventful. On the not-so-bright side, we seem to have lost a trade war to an island inhabited by penguins, people are starving in the street, and public health policy is now being shaped exclusively by pseudoscience and ChatGPT. However, Trumpington Sr. is a brilliant businessman, and he came up with solutions to all these problems. His first phase was to federalize the National Guard and increase ICE spending. Now, he has begun to harness their unique talents. Here are the top 10 ways Trump has used ICE and the National Guard in the last year.

5. Spider Deportation

On Oct. 30, Trump called U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement to the white house on the grounds that a “dangerous arachnid had illegally invaded the very core of this country.” U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement quickly located the Common House Spider in the West Wing where Trump keeps the magic rose given to him by a sorceress when he kicked her out of his hotel years ago. The alleged arachnid assailant was reportedly sitting in a web in the corner, feeding on yellowjackets and wasps. One U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent alleged that the House Spider was “plotting the downfall of this nation with its woke terrorist agenda” U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement gently used a Glock to coax the arachnid into a hazardous waste disposal box, so that they could ship it away to its new home in a prison in El Salvador. Reportedly, Trump’s previous encounter with a spider didn’t go so smoothly, and is one of the primary reasons that he had the east wing demolished.

4. Dessert Escort

Shortly after Trump deployed the National Guard to Washington D.C., he realized there wasn’t actually much crime for them to reduce, so he came up with a new mission for them. He would send them to escort a troop of Girl Scouts to deliver a large basket of cookies to his grandmother, Elizabeth Christ Trump. The Girl Scouts and National Guard reportedly marched “over the river and through the woods” to the state of New York to find Trump’s grandmother’s house. By the time they got there, the Girl Scouts’ feet were in serious pain, but they were forced to keep marching until the National Guard got tired out. In the morning, one of the National Guard reportedly shot a man dressed in a wolf costume who was commuting to a small furry convention. The soldier subsequently declared him a threat to national security. Anyway, the National Guard and Girl Scouts went on to search New York for hours for Trump’s Grandmother’s house when they received a phone call from Trump saying, “Yeah, I just remembered my grandmother is dead. I had forgotten that, but yeah, she died in 1966 apparently.” The annoyed National Guard took the Girl Scouts on a bus back to Washington DC. A court order blocked Trump from having the Girl Scouts delivered to the white house, so they were returned to their families.

3. Itch Scratching

Shortly after the first No Kings protest, Trump ran into a serious problem. In desperation, he called U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement to the white house. An entire division of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents rushed to the white house to find him sprawled out, facedown on his bed, wearing nothing but a pair of floral print briefs. He called out to them, “OK, here’s the thing. I need help. There’s this spot. This one spot. This spot-on my back right there. Its itching. Its itching and I can’t reach it. With my big strong arms, I cannot reach this spot and I need your help to scratch it. The cute secretary wouldn’t help me.” After scratching the entire rest of his back, the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents found the offending spot. Trump called out, “Yes, that’s the spot, right there. By the way, what do you think of this new robe I’m wearing? My new tailor made it for me. He says its made of the finest silks and gold threads. Can you see all those gold threads right there?” One of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents, looking at his bare back, proceeded to complement the amazing robe he was wearing. After the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents got done, they realized they wouldn’t get their bonus if they didn’t deport someone, so they broke into a knitting club, grabbed a few old Hispanic women, and called it a day. 

2. Operation Partyshop

Trump has recently been cracking down on what he considers concerning signs of terrorism. In this state of emergency, Trump and Pete Hegseth have called in the National Guard for a mission they call Operation Partyshop. The mission is simple: The National Guard is to raid every party and costume store they can find, and clamp down on any dangerous memorabilia. Pete Hegseth declared “Something about an inflatable dinosaur suit. It changes a man. Don’t get me started on the frog costumes.” Pete Hegseth shuddered, taking a shot of vodka. The first phase of the operation began just before Halloween, with the National Guard marching into a spirit Halloween store. It ended with the room in ruins, the costumes in flames, and the employees trapped in a supply cellar. Luckily, the employees were able to get out before the firefighters got there using an improvised ladder made of cheap blonde wigs.

1. The Ballroom

President Donald Trump has recently declared the White House Ballroom to be a matter of utmost importance. It is so important that he has shut down the government to get it built faster. When asked about these priorities, he has said, “Oh yeah, this ballroom’s gonna be great. We’re gonna host some really big balls here. A whole lot of dancing. Just the biggest balls.” Indeed, to make absolute sure nobody interrupts this construction project, he has called as many National Guard troops as he can to supervise it. He has the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents watching the perimeter, with special instructions to absolutely never visit the construction site directly. While this is being done, he has been working on sourcing gold and marble. The marble was easy enough, but acquiring enough gold for the decorations and trim took substantially more effort. He, for some reason, tried to acquire some from neighboring wheat farmers. One wheat farmer responded, “How many times do we have to tell you, Trumpelstlitskin, We can’t spin straw into gold.” Thus, Trump settled for accepting gold bribes from billionaires instead. He has also been hard at work on acquiring a set of glass slippers and a pumpkin carriage, and is planning on inviting a large quantity of princesses to his first ball. 

So, these are some of the brilliant ways our president is utilizing this country’s armed forces. Aren’t we glad our tax dollars are hard at work, making this country a better place?