True middle ground: The unified conspiracy theory of everything (satire entry)

Disclaimer: This piece is a work of incredibly elaborate satire. Please don’t make a cult out of it.

We increasingly live in a world where facts are hard to come by. Scientists teach such mind-blowing revolutionary ideas as the earth being round, people having brains that work in different ways, germs making you sick, and medicine being good. However, not everyone agrees with these assertions. For instance, some people believe that the Earth is flat. This isn’t even the limit of diversity of thought on this issue, as even some people who believe the earth to be round disagree with mainstream science of its shape in other ways. Despite the existence of microscopes, some people have also come to believe germs to be nonexistent. With all of these conspiracy theorists disagreeing with what people who have studied these things for years have to say, it can be difficult to tell who is right and who is wrong.

Luckily, a radical new solution has been found that will revolutionize the way people view the world. Great philosophers like Socrates and Aristotle have posited that whenever two ideas exist, the truth must lie somewhere between them. Therefore, when scientists have suggested one thing based on a large quantity of rigorous testing and empirical evidence, one group of conspiracy theorists believes a different thing based on some Instagram Reel they watched, and still another group follows the teachings of Alex Jones, the truth must be somewhere in the middle. In other words, by blending science and pseudoscience of all forms, we have created the true unified theory of everything. 

NOTE: The next several paragraphs will explain the reasoning in detail. If you do not find nerdy quasi-scientific humor funny, or you just want the facts THEY don’t want you to know explained to you without any of those fancy science words, skip to the section labelled “THE UNIFIED THEORY.”

The Shape of the Earth

Before we can determine what happened on it, we must discern the shape of the Earth. Now, scientists have discerned the shape of the Earth to be an oblate spheroid using every method from analyzing shadows cast by the sun to watching lunar eclipses to measuring it with precision instruments to actually seeing the bloody thing from space. People have known the Earth to be round in some way since ancient Greece. However, there is still a sizable portion of people all around the globe who believe the Earth to be flat. This is an idea that has existed in the human consciousness since humans started telling stories, so there is no way it can be wrong. Therefore, we can discern that the earth is in fact a hemisphere, round on one side and flat on the other. Further evidence of this can be found with the moon. There are times in the sky when the moon is visible not as a sphere but as a hemisphere. Therefore, we can discern that what is conventionally known as a “half-moon” is actually when the side of the hemisphere moon is facing us. When the spherical end is facing us, it is known as a full moon. When the flat side faces us entirely, it is known as a new moon. 

However, even among people who agree that the Earth is round, some people disagree with other scientific conclusions about its shape. Science based on readings from magnetometers and seismometers has determined the earth to have a semi-solid mantle, a molten outer core, and a solid inner core  However, some people believe the earth to be hollow, with an entire other world existing on the inner face of it. Now, according to science, the nature of gravity would render such a thing impossible. This can be solved without resolving whether gravity does or does not exist by positing that parts of the Earth’s hemisphere are hollow and parts follow the conventional layered structure. In addition, while science has proven that planets do not typically expand on their own, some conspiracy theorists believe the Earth to be expanding. They believe that it was less than half of its size millions of years ago. Therefore, we can posit that the Earth has expanded in size, but its actual mass has remained the same.  It may have even started as a black hole.

We call this model “Pimple Earth Theory”, as it posits that planets and celestial bodies are partially hollow expanding hemispheres, much like a pimple or zit on your skin. For completion’s sake, we must also add that Earth is likely held up by one incredibly overworked elephant on the back of half of a giant turtle, and the sky is being held up by a partially nonexistent titan named Atlas(We will get into the reasoning for that later)

The Origin of Earth

Now that we’ve confirmed the shape of the Earth, we must also answer the question of its origin. Unfortunately, the question of religion will have to factor into this, as while religion and conspiracy theories need not coexist, many times they do. There are countless theories of the origin of the planet Earth, but the two prevailing ones are Young Earth Creationism and the scientific model. Scientists have discovered that Earth is a few billion years old, and the universe is several billion years older than that. They have discovered that the universe is an ever-expanding bubble of space, time, and matter, that planets and stars formed through forces such as gravity, and that life emerged and evolved from processes over billions of years. Young Earth creationism, in contrast, posits that the earth was created by the divine over a process ranging from several days to several thousand years.

These positions seem irreconcilable, but when you combine them, you get one of two potential outcomes. The first is old-earth creationism. This posits that the divine created the universe, the earth, and all life on earth, but waited about two billion years between each. This would have, in the Genesis creation narrative, led to fish and birds existing on the planet for about two billion years before land animals appeared. However, it seems the more plausible version is young earth evolutionism. Thus, we can conclude that the universe formed innumerable billions of years ago, but the matter in it was created by divine forces about fourteen days before recorded history began. The Earth formed due to gravity on the first day. All of the precambrian was the first and second day. At the dawn of the third day was the Cambrian explosion. Every era from the Cretaceous to the Jurassic to the Neogene happened on one of the following twelve days. Non-avian dinosaurs, if they existed, came into being five days before humans did, and went extinct… We’ll get to that later. This part of the theory is, of course, a work in progress. Young-earth creationism is a largely western thing primarily favored by white people. There are certainly other origin stories for the Earth with their own timescale in different cultures. However, I do not have the cultural understanding of non-western cultures to incorporate them in a satisfactory fashion. If you have a belief system you wish to integrate in this theory, feel free.

Now, as for religion, things become a lot more complicated. Despite what is often stated by many young-earth creationists, science doesn’t make any claims as to whether or not God or any other deity exists. In fact, there are Christian evolutionary biologists out there, among other religions. However, there are an absolutely massive amount of religions and spiritual practices, each of which may have their own associated beliefs to consider, and some of which have their own conspiracy theories. Complicating things further is the existence of atheists, who believe that deities and usually other supernatural beings do not exist. As well, certain monotheistic practices such as Christianity, Judaism, and Islam, believe that only one god truly exists. Therefore, for our unified theory, we must assume a world where every single god or other spiritual being ever to be worshipped or widely believed in by anyone simultaneously does and does not exist. Since science attributes gravity to mass and possibly a quirk of how space works, and many young-earth creationists attribute what scientists consider gravity to God’s will, it can be assumed that the presence/absence of this immeasurable quantity of semi-existent gods reacting to the mass of the universe is the fundamental cause of gravity, 

We really must wrap this up by talking about dinosaurs. Science posits that due to the ages of the rock layers they are buried in, non-avian dinosaurs lived between the Triassic and Cretaceous periods. However, some young-earth creationists believe dinosaurs coexisted with humans. Other conspiracy theorists believe dinosaurs did not exist, or that the bones we found of them were actually dragon or giant bones. How do we reconcile dinosaurs existing in the Mesozoic era, humans existing alongside dinosaurs, dinosaurs not being real, and dinosaur bones actually being dragon or giant bones? It’s simple, really. Humans first appeared in the Permian era, but the majority of them were wiped out by the great flood that killed those sinful dimetrodons and trilobites. Humans went on to repopulate throughout the Mesozoic. Dinosaurs materialized from nonexistence rather than evolving. Some dinosaurs possessed a supernatural ability to breathe fire. In addition, in the Mesozoic, there were dinosaur-sized humans with suspiciously theropod, sauropod, or hadrosaur-like skeletal structures. These giants, or nephilim as they are known, were children of fallen angels. However, there is a very real chance that dinosaurs, dragons, and maybe even giants are still alive today, as that would provide necessary conditions for future conspiracy theories.

History and Aliens

So, we must now turn our attention to aliens. Many conspiracy theorists believe in some form of alien intervention. Whether it be the greys, the reptoids, or the thetans, conspiracy theorists love their aliens. Of course, historians and scientists will tell you that there is no evidence of humanity and aliens interacting, but science does hold alien life to be plausible. We just need aliens who would conveniently somehow against all odds leave minimal evidence behind. Now, most would agree that humans are capable of building their own landmarks. However, some argue aliens were behind most major monuments. Therefore, we can assume that the ancient egyptians, ancient babylonians, britons, vikings, and every other ancient culture all had dealings with aliens, who they worked with to build their structures, but they still used primarily human methods such as pulleys and levers, and the aliens only came up with the idea to stack rocks on top of each other in a formation known as a pyramid.

Special attention must be given to the reptilians, or reptoid aliens. Also known as lizard people, many people believe that they have taken control of society for nefarious purposes. Of course, anyone with a functioning understanding of society will realize that this is nonsense, and some will even see unfortunate implications and undertones to this theory. However, unlike some other theories, we haven’t yet considered all necessary perspectives. For one, since not all humans are evil, it is implausible that all lizard people are either. As well, from a herpetological perspective, most reptiles are entirely benign and unfairly maligned by society. Therefore, we can conclude that while there are some nefarious lizard people in governments and corporations, there are also plenty of lizard people who have infiltrated government for the sole purpose of feeding on large quantities of crickets and flies while receiving head scritches, and still others who are fighting against the evil ones.

Of course, the existence of aliens poses problems of its own. The existence of space travel implies that the moon landing was real. While there are many verifiable sources that confirm the moon landing happened, there are also a bunch of weirdos who believe it doesn’t. Worse yet, there are people who believe space doesn’t even exist, despite the fact we have satellites up there. The solution is surprisingly simple. Space exists, but it exists outside of conventional existence(Not to be confused with the gods that both exist and don’t). As for the moon landing, the government decided they needed to fake it. They decided the only place suitable to fake the moon landing was on the moon, so they sent a ship out of existence and into space to land on the moon. The resulting footage was so eldritch that they had to CGI elements of the backdrop in post-production. This is pretty impressive, as they didn’t actually have CGI back then. 

Modern Problems

So, now that we’ve established the nature of aliens, the origin of the universe, and the shape of the planet, we still have plenty of conspiracy theories left to cover. We’ll start with an assortment of less major conspiracy theories. For starters, let’s talk about Chemtrails and Medicine. Many conspiracy theorists believe those white trails you see behind planes are some sort of nefarious chemical weapon. Of course, anyone who understands planes would point out they are largely water vapor, which leads to one simple conclusion: Water is a population control bioweapon! It even has a spooky long chemical name: Dihydrogen Monoxide.

Now, on to the COVID-19 pandemic and medicine in general. There are many, many conspiracy theories here in particular. While the general scientific consensus is that the virus was transmitted naturally from animals to humans, the idea that it may have accidentally leaked from a lab in some way is not implausible. Although there are people who believe it was released intentionally, there is next to no evidence. That being said, we are considering all possible viewpoints here, so we need to find a scenario in which it simultaneously came naturally from wild animals, was intentionally released, and was accidentally released. The solution is simple: lab testing animals in China genetically engineered a new virus to enact vengeance on the human race and some of them were accidentally let out. As for medicine in general, scientists claim medicine that is proven to be safe with rigorous testing is the best treatment we have for many physical and mental ailments when taken in the proper doses. However, conspiracy theorists believe that is all nasty, dangerous and toxic nonsense, and the solution is things such as supplements, aromatherapy, essential oils, and crystals. Both scientists and conspiracy theorists agree healthy eating is important(even if the idea that it solves all problems is ridiculous), so we can assume it actually is. As for medicine and alternative medicine, let’s just say they’re both simultaneously effective cures and dangerously toxic conspiracies.

When it comes to 5G, there are also a lot of conspiracy theories here. Now, anyone with half a brain will realize that this is just a generation in cellular network technology that improves its data transmission. However, many conspiracy theorists claim it has a number of diabolical government purposes. The solution is simple: we need to turn to the concept of numerology, the idea that numbers have mystical properties. It’s not that 5G has any inherent nefarious scientific properties, but that the number 5 paired with the letter G ensures that the associated frequencies will warp the fabric of reality in negative ways. I will just rapid-fire some of these properties. Some people believe 5G causes cancer, lowers immune systems, kills birds and insects, despite no evidence. The lack of evidence can be explained if 5G warped the fabric of time. This retroactively ensured the existence of cancer, weakened all creatures’ immune systems throughout time, and increased the natural death rate of birds and insects. Some people do believe 5G caused COVID-19 somehow. We’ve already established this isn’t the case, but it is possible that the virus has 5G cell reception, allowing it to browse memes on the internet. This increases its transmission rate by allowing it to “Go viral.”

Finally, we must turn our attention to vaccines. Vaccines are one of the most important technological advancements of our day. They have been time-tested for safety. They have eradicated some of the worst diseases on the planet. If anything, their efficiency has allowed conspiracy theories about them to propagate since people don’t realize how much worse the world was without them. However, due to a discredited study, some people believe vaccines cause autism. While not quite as ridiculous as suggesting that Tylenol causes autism, it still means some people would rather have a child dead of polio than one on the spectrum. We can still incorporate this by suggesting that vaccines increase the rate at which autistic people develop a special interest in immunology. After all, autistic people with a special interest in immunology are more likely to become immunologists. In other words, autism causes vaccines, which cause immunologists. Some people also believe vaccines cause harmful side effects such as infertility and death. They believe vaccines contain toxic additives as a ploy by Big Pharma. We will explain this later. The COVID vaccine is a particular target, with some people who don’t believe other vaccine conspiracy theories believing this one is the exception. We can incorporate this by concluding that the COVID vaccine causes infertility, cancer, instant death, spontaneous combustion, death by car accident, death by gunshot, deportation by the ICE, transmogrification into a half-alien hybrid, and excessive flatulence. If you haven’t experienced three or more of these symptoms, you probably got a placebo vaccine.

The Conspiracy

So, now that we’ve established the one true worldview, we need to develop the core conspiracy of it all. The evil members of the reptilian species are obviously involved. (Like I said, most lizard people just want to eat bugs and bask in the sun, and some obviously are spearheading the anti-conspiracy movement). Lizard people are often associated with hollow earth, so it makes the most sense that they have set up their secret bases in the hollow portions of the planet. This would mean they are not among the reptile species that require ;arge amounts of UVB, or that they have synthetic UVB technology. However, they clearly aren’t the only aspects of this conspiracy. After all, the majority of this planet’s known sapient inhabitants are humans. Now, which humans are behind this conspiracy? Accusing entire ethnic groups seems too deranged even for this theory. Although white supremacists are the most notable in this country, racial supremacist conspiracy theories exist among numerous racial groups, so we can only assume that all humans are subhuman.

Now, we need to look for more defined leadership. For the rational perspective, we find a few primary actors. We have corporations that cause serious harm with their shady business practices, while gaining massive influence over both major political parties through bribery. There is also a devious secret society that has recently assumed power. With their publicly available 900-page manifesto of domination, they are mobilizing plain-clothes secret police forces to haul people away to secret corporate prisons in foreign countries, placing pseudoscientists in charge of public health, and declaring their political opponents to be terrorist enemies of the state. Oh, wait, that wasn’t a secret society, that was the Trump administration. My bad. A secret society wouldn’t brag about it on social media. Anyway, everyone agrees the CIA and FBI are up to some pretty shady business, such as assassinations, setting up mass surveillance, and overthrowing foreign governments. This has naturally lead to them being the favored target of conspiracy theorists, which means they are doubly important for our unified theory.

Well, now that we’ve looked at some of the heaviest topics in the real world, It’s time to see who the conspiracy theorists are inviting to this party. First up, the classic you know and love, the Illuminati. They’ve come a long way from a short-lived group of Enlightenment-era philosophers. Next, we have the evil communist cabal seeking world domination by single-handedly manufacturing every idea that isn’t right-wing, the Cultural Marxists(Or Cultural Bolsheviks, to use the original German terms). Of course, we need to invite the Freemasons to this party. I think they’re some group of typically religious fraternal orders. Oh, and don’t forget the United Nations, with their New World Order. What would you name a country made of the entire world, anyway? Of course we have the Qanon idea that democrats are harvesting chemicals from children for eternal youth. We can’t forget the satanists that control all of pop culture and politics with their love of Dungeons and Dragons, Pokémon, and rock and roll. The satanist influence on politics would explain why almost every president has been Christian. Finally, in what can only be described as a bad name for a rock band, we have George Soros and the Deep State. Now, to foreshadow how we unite these disparate groups, we must return to dinosaurs. It can be assumed that when conspiracy theorists talk about George Soros, rather than referring to billionaire investor and alleged philanthropist George Soros, they are actually talking about Georgesaurus. Georgesaurus was a species of dinosaur that first evolved 5:30 pm on the Cretaceous day of the Mesozoic 3-day period. It was an omnivorous dinosaur whose closest known relatives were the Tyrannosaurus Rex and the Jackalope. Most Georgesaurus spent their time writing poems and feeding on meat and coconuts, but a few preferred conspiring to achieve world domination instead. Any fossils that were found of it were destroyed by the Smithsonian Museum, conveniently for no good reason, and the radical leftists on Wikipedia refuse to make an article about it.

THE UNIFIED THEORY

So, what is the true nature of reality? Well, the earth and moon are shaped like giant partially hollow hemispheres, like massive pimples floating through space. Obviously the root of our problems began when the angelic servants of the infinite entourage of partially existent gods rebelled and began interbreeding with the dinosaurs to produce nephilim, or giants. To complicate things further, when the grey aliens came from outer space beyond the veil of the cosmic firmament that contains existence, they interbred with the dinosaurs as well to produce the reptilians. Since every period of geologic time until a few thousand years ago took exactly one day, this all happened in a fairly short time. I assume the aliens arrived at about 7:00 am on the Triassic Tuesday, while the fallen angels didn’t show up until 3 pm on the Cretaceous Thursday. When the meteor struck at midnight, the dinosaur princess’s carriage turned back into a pumpkin. This ensured the classical dinosaur royal dynasty did not survive the mass extinction event. However, many dinosaurs, nephilim, and reptilians were able to retreat to the hollow portions of pimple earth. There, they watched humanity build society in the ashes of their vast empire. Of course, humanity took forever by their standards since they were used to entire generations rising and falling in minutes due to the inexplicably rapid pace time had been moving at. However, their lifespans slowed as well, allowing them to keep up.

When humanity started establishing a government, grey aliens and some reptilians joined in and assisted them in building monoliths using pulleys and levers(No alien technology required). The assortment of gods that both exist and don’t, aliens, and time travelling furries shaped mythology around the world. Humanity contended with angry fire-breathing dinosaurs across the world, which they referred to as dragons, They also fought the nephilim giants, who appeared like massive humans with suspiciously dinosaur-like bone structures. Meanwhile, certain giants, reptilians, and dinosaurs underground began the primal origins of a conspiracy. They waited for humanity to begin establishing democracy, so they could get involved. They began by inventing water, also known as dihydrogen monoxide, to prevent the human population from getting too big. They started sneaking reptilian agents up to the surface(Including some stowaways who were just in it for the snacks) They also bioengineered birds to send up to the surface, to use as biological drones. They thought these reptilians and birds could control humanity, but the humans instead learned of their plot. However, certain humans were on board with it as long as they gained power as well. Thus, a few adjustments had to be made.

So, where does that leave us now? The evil group of reptilians are led by a small coven of Georgesaurus rex, an obscure species of omnivorous dinosaur. They are working with the far-right communist satan-worshipping Christian atheist muslim freemason Illuminati. They have mobilized the FBI, Skull-and-Bones Society, CIA, the birds, and every single corporation at once. Every single scientist and pseudoscientist is owned by them. Both scientists and pseudoscientists are trying to sell effective cures to save lives, but are also simultaneously deliberately attempting to poison you under the direction of their alien and dinosaur overlords. Water is a government psyop. The conspiracy’s experiments have included harvesting adrenochrome from children to use in finding the holy grail, brainwashing people into being LGBTQ for the sole purpose of calling them slurs and trying to eradicate them, landing on the moon to film fake moon landing footage. injecting people with mind control microchip vaccines crafted with alien DNA and the blood of dead angels, and unsuccessfully trying to recreate autism. All the while, they hide that the Earth is a hemispherical pimple by seeding lies in both NASA and the Flat Earth Society. Recently, their experiments with arcane numerology have led to 5G retroactively ensuring that cells go rogue and become cancerous across all of time and space, among other negative reality warping effects. Their fundamental goal in all of this is to make a new world order, then ensure that new world order has always existed by warping the space-time continuum. To ensure this, they have even aided sapient laboratory rodents in the creation of diseases like COVID-19. All the while, the anarcho-monarchist reptilian freedom fighters work to spearhead the secret resistance. 

Conclusion

So, there we have it. The one conclusive vision of reality. This will surely unite every conspiracy theorist and every skeptic on common ground. This is the only logical vision of reality. Any official source that disputes it is obviously a part of the Nephilim-dinosaur conspiracy and should be taken with a grain of salt.