The Justice League takes on the Tumor Tower of Doom®

This archived article was written by: Erik Falor, Jeff Spears

It sure does feel good to be back again for another year at the College of Eastern Utah. But we can’t help but notice that some things aren’t quite the same as when we left last year. They say that if you are not progressing, you are digressing. After seeing some of the changes that happened around campus over the summer, we must wonder about the direction that CEU has taken.
This year there are no computer classes in the CBB. There are no more business classes in the CBB. Why are we still calling it the Computer and Business Building? Naturally, our course schedules for this semester have not been updated to reflect this change.
What did the office staff say to incoming freshmen when asked what the letters CBB stood for? “Country Boys Barracks?” “Community Brainwashing Base?” “Carbon’s Benefic Bungalow?” We say just drop the ‘CB’ and call it the ‘B.’
The tried and true moniker ‘The Old Hospital’ is also better than “The CBB” because it has sentimental value. Who doesn’t want to be reminded that they are learning how to graph tangent lines in the same room in which they were born?
What’s the deal with the administration cutting down the trees near the Aaron Jones Complex? Spruce and ash trees fell victim to work crews’ chain saws in order to accommodate the cancer transmitter – I mean the electricity substation.
It’s not like our campus is being overrun with plant life; just look at the “grass” near the old main building or the SAC. Unless those tall metal poles are able to produce their own weight in oxygen each month, somebody should reconsider replacing those stately trees elsewhere on campus. Because we do not have official College of Eastern Utah football, soccer, or smear-the-freshman teams, we propose that the school turn the field west of Sessions Hall into a 600 square yard arboretum.
After all, the summer camps aren’t a big draw these days now that Thanksgiving Point also has a dinosaur museum. Well, they kind of have something else that we don’t – feces in the water. Maybe we’ll keep the field after all. But as for the Sessions’ kids, considering that it’s not even an honor hall anymore … that makes them expendable, right?
Until the administration proves to our satisfaction that the electricity substation won’t give us cancer, we will hereafter refer to it as the “Tumor Tower of Doom ®.” The school should also distribute tinfoil hats to the residents of A.J. to wear while they sleep. You know, just to be safe. Plus it would have the added benefit of preventing the government from using its mind-control ray on them.
We are happy to see that so many positive changes have taken place on our campus over the summer: Gibby got a fresh coat of paint, Sessions’ Hall opened up to students with modest GPAs, and the marvelously convenient wireless network. It feels so good to think that we’ll never have to worry about internet access ever again.
One thing that has stayed the same, unfortunately, are the maps of campus. According to the campus directory posted in the SAC, you can still park your car where the “Tumor Tower of Doom ®” now ominously stands.
The addition of the Reeves Building was both timely and healthy. But at a cost of over $11 million, we think that it should have come equipped with room numbers that go in order. Or at least included a few conveniently located plaques that show us how to find our classes. Maybe that’s an aftermarket modification, like a spoiler or a gun rack.
But it seems to me that the school doesn’t particularly care how it spends money. Take for example the wireless internet stations smartly doubling as carpet weights in the ‘B.’ These are basically high-definition WebTV consoles, but at only 10 times the cost of a TV set.
Before giving ASCEU permission to spend student fees, our IT department should have asked them “what made WebTV unsuccessful?” Was it because it didn’t have a mouse? Was it because a TV’s screen resolution is not well-suited for the reading of text? Or was it because it didn’t have a disk drive to save all the Christina Ricci pictures you spent all afternoon downloading? It was for all those reasons plus the fact that people don’t want to pay over $200 just to look at e-mail. I guess that if you had just attended a Ku Klux Klan rally it would seem like a good idea by comparison. That is, when compared to dressing up like a pillow and burning crosses in somebody’s yard.
Seven of these computers were purchased from Acer Inc. at a cost of $1,200 each. Add to that $800 each for the stylish Maximum Security Exoskeletons®, and you render it both useless and expensive. The keyboard is set too deep in the drawer to type on, the mouse area is too small to use comfortably, and the disk drives are locked up. The hard drive is more or less write-protected, and you can’t even hit the reset button when it freezes up.
They look like clumsy robots left over from a 1950’s sci-fi movie. Or, given the wheels, what Larry Flynt might look like if he were made into a 1950’s robot. They only seem to be good for three things: 1.) Checking your e-mail. 2.) Following the links to porn sites that came in your mail. 3.) Playing solitaire. Over the past few weeks wireless network service has been unreliable, further diminishing from their majesty.
They are unnecessary because CEU students are not hurting for computer access. There are already plenty of computers in the library available to anybody with a library card or reasonable forgery. And if you can find it, there is a big room full of shiny new computers in the Reeves Building. The $14,000 spent on these Larry Flint Replicons could have been better used for full-ride scholarships, or for some better grub in the cafeteria.
Speaking of computers, who is so clueless about technology that they actually benefit from the state-mandated computer literacy classes? Unless the State is trying to reach out to people who live under rocks without access to Sega Dreamcast or The Jetsons, they should waive the credit requirement. The state of Utah doesn’t need to make sure that you feel comfortable around that piece of equipment that you have successfully been using for over 10 years now.
I don’t know who to feel sorry for; the students who are pushed against their will to attend, or the teachers who must waste a portion of their week teaching from a curriculum that is clearly designed with the Amish in mind.
On behalf of the entire student body, we extend our sincerest gratitude for the brave sacrifices the computer literacy instructors make each week in “educating” us. But seriously, anybody who has ever used something that Ron Popeil invented is already competent enough to read their e-mail during class, we mean, is able to contribute to the classroom atmosphere.
All things considered, it feels great to be back for another year at CEU. Maybe this will be the year that we finally get our much anticipated smear-the-freshman team put together. I bet those Larry Flynt things would really be able to smear up some good freshman out on the field. Or make a good candidate for governor of California.