June 1, 2020

The tact and tenacity of The Eagle staff

This archived article was written by: Chris Kiahtipes

*The contents of this article are heretical and should not be shown to anyone.

It is beyond question that faithful Eagle readers have received nothing but the best in news, sports and opinion. There is nothing like cracking open the latest issue and reading something so enlightened that one can barely stand afterward. The tact and tenacity of the Eagle staff is to be commended; if not by every living soul, then by some form of great hierarchy in the sky.
The contribution to the community at CEU and society at large by BJ Harmon and Les Bowen via the “Say What?” column is nothing short of the immaculate conception. Without that column, no one would have known that it is the responsibility of Price city to accommodate the needs of CEU students who drive 15 mph over the speed limit. The devilish crag in the middle of the road is the problem, not the good Mr. Harmon’s ability to look for warning signs and navigate the Grand Canyon at the same time.
No one would have had the mental capacity to figure out that those darned parking lots are really slick and it’s all CEU’s fault without their contribution. True, snow plows only go so low, but it is clear that they do not go low enough to satisfy the tastes of those as educated and elite as the Eagle’s staff writers. So elite, in fact, that The Eagle’s writers apparently can’t navigate ice because the massiveness of their brains makes them too top-heavy. It is clear that CEU students need to petition their congressmen/congresswomen and insist that a medal be given to these journalistic heroes that brave both ice and traffic hazards daily.
The show of valor by The Eagle’s staff writers even lives up to the lofty ideals of heroism set out by none other than the inspired Robert Morton. True, no analogies were made or explained in the last article, but that’s just a headline anyway. The depth of those invisible analogies gave a view of heroism and virtue that could not have been explained in all of the holy poems of the Hindus.
The restrictions on parking by the LDS church next to the Reeves building is a statute only slightly older than the Hindu religion, which is why Shawn Sackett never thought to ask the church itself about the parking problem. However, the point is the same that the LDS church does help the community and they would love to open that parking lot up if the students of CEU would just ask nicely or write an article that does just about the same. The guardian spirits clearly inspired the good Brother Sackett, and the rest of us would be wise to follow his lead and get some cheese to go with our whine [sic].
Speaking of cheese and wine, where the devil is the fine dining at? Sure, CEU is too expensive and no one wants to pay more or take out any loans (thanks to Austin Palmer for his stellar, non-credit-building advice that furthers our ability as readers to live like real people, not like the fake, unhappy ones with loans), but the food really sucks and that should change. Jeff Spears is the unquestioned messiah and champion of the battle for good cafeteria food. He, in a truly Christian fashion, will not stop tipping the proverbial table until the students at CEU get some lobster and steak.
The steak and potatoes approach of Austin Palmer stands out as the gospel of all the writings contained in the holy Eagle. His preaching about the heroism of teachers is especially moving. Heretics like Pink Floyd and Charles Dickens should be banned from ever saying anything bad about the underpaid and under-appreciated molders of young American minds. He believes so strongly in the cause of taking from the entertainers and giving to the teachers that Brother Austin permits anyone who catches him at the theatre to beat the Jesus out of him.
Despite the skill and thoughtfulness of the previously mentioned columns and articles, there is one section of The Eagle that stands out as the zenith of excellence and humor: that wacky Panda Baby. The reader never knows what chick that crazy arrangement of black and white blotches will hit on next. The stark truth and impassible humor of the ‘Panda Baby’ comic clearly outweigh the absence of eyes on the girls and the divine mystery of the missing Panda feet. “All hail the power of Panda’s name, may babes prostrate fall!” (Paraphrase of Wesley’s ‘All Hail the Power of Jesus’ Name’).
True, something is missing from this, the Psalms of praise to the Eagle. There is no mention of the writings of St. Christopher the Greek, the patron saint of all long-haired hippy/liberals. The writings of St. Christopher stand as too flawless to be praised or critiqued and thus should never be mentioned again, ever.

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