July 14, 2024

From Anna to NASA, there’s no place like home

When it was brought to my attention that I could end up writing a column, I nearly pounced at the idea of me getting to rant about whatever it was that I saw. Thinking that somebody actually might listen and sheer thought of me getting to have a place where my insanity, anima, and body would come to exchange cooking recipes wasn’t only appealing it was almost ideal. So, I set off and started my excursion on trying to make my pioneering piece and yet nothing really set me off onto one of my tirades of why there is injustice in the world.

This archived article was written by: Zak Konakis

When it was brought to my attention that I could end up writing a column, I nearly pounced at the idea of me getting to rant about whatever it was that I saw. Thinking that somebody actually might listen and sheer thought of me getting to have a place where my insanity, anima, and body would come to exchange cooking recipes wasn’t only appealing it was almost ideal. So, I set off and started my excursion on trying to make my pioneering piece and yet nothing really set me off onto one of my tirades of why there is injustice in the world.
I set off on a world-wide tour (following is not in chronological order) trying to decide what I was first going write about first. My first stop was in Miami, Fla., when I entered the lobby of my hotel, I looked to the door when I watched Anna Nicole come in and actually talked to me. She said only a few things about Quaalude and Gin Cocktails and then dropped. I laid low for a few weeks trying to get over the shock of a national icon dropping dead in front of me after advice on chasing the coke blues away.
I was hiding in Africa with Dave Chapelle when I received a call from George W. Bush. At first I really didn’t like his voice and he mispronounced my name, which was impressive, because my name has three letters in it, but alas, he asked if I wanted to go Geo-caching in Iraq with him. Skeptical at first I agreed, because I always had a fascination with the Middle-East and it would take my mind off of having to write my story.
We were searching in the desert for the co-ordinates when I tripped on something, I looked and beheld a handle in the sand. Upon opening the sand door we saw Saddam Hussein staring back at us from his hovel hole. Both parties stood as shocked as could be when I took the opportunity to take a picture of one of our escorts and Saddam talking. I later learned that Saddam was put to death, but that didn’t take away from the experience of finishing one of the greatest games of hide-and-seek ever. I guess they take their hide-and-seek very seriously in the Middle-East.
After my excursion in Iraq, I decided to do some backpacking in the People’s Republic of Germany. While there, I learned that David Hasslehoff was doing a benefit concert on the Berlin Wall. I love concerts; I love Baywatch and the thought of the two coming together was almost too irresistible for me to handle.
At the concert I was confronted by a couple of socialists about my tattoos and how they do not like them, nor did I like their’s because cleaves, stars and hate are not my cup-of-tea. We began an altercation at the concert in the first recorded mosh pit in history. I was thrown through the Berlin Wall by the men and the rest of the city of Berlin followed suit.
I decided to make my way out of the region and head to Japan, namely Hiroshima. In this place of fortitude and love, it seems that I came in a time of social unrest. “The man” or as I call her, Lady Liberty was attempting to rear her head and fighting against the greatest enemy the Japanese have ever known: dragons. Though, at this ripe time in 1945, all was working well, the Japanese were having rallies and gala events to benefit the recently dragon scorched Pearl Harbor. When the dragons turned their ugly head towards Japan, I was caught in the middle. It seems the dragons were pitted against these peace lovers.
The morning after I arrived, the dragon alarms didn’t ring and caught onto the Japanese’s plan. It was too late, the dragons were scorching the land when Christian Bale came and dressed in full Batman attire, began battling the giant beasts. Though, not even Batman could thwart the evil plans of the winged beasts, but when hope seemed lost, Chuck Norris came in and it has never been the same. He began kicking the dragons and served their raw flesh in rice; we know this today as sushi.
Through all of my travels and all of the history that I have witnessed, I was brought back home. No matter all the places that I come across and in all the towns that I find I am going to miss Price just as much as NASA missed their measuring units … but that’s another story within itself.