Lip locked: secrets of kissing revealed

This archived article was written by: Dixon Woodruff

A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell. It is a good thing that I am no gentleman. Who am I? I the world’s best kissing concierge. I hate seeing poor kissing form. I must do something. I will save the world from this plague. I will kiss your mind with my wisdom.
My first kiss was perfect. I remember being nervous and my palms were sweaty. I was looking up at the stars with my girlfriend. She had never before seen a shooting star and I promised her that this night would be different. As we looked up for a good while, she began to doubt. I said just give it five more minutes. Frustrated and doubting, she finally agreed.
As the minutes passed, the single most amazing shooting star appeared. It burned blue and moved slowly across the sky. She started screaming and I was amazed at what I just witnessed. She closed her eyes and clinched her fists and made a wish. Then she opened her eyes and asked me what I wished for. I looked at her for a few seconds and gave her the look. My right hand slowly moved up to her cheek. As it touched we slowly moved closer like magnets that couldn’t be pulled apart. Then it happened. We softly kissed.
Now that you are believers of my skills, you can listen to my rules with complete faith. First let’s start with proper lip care. Soft and plump lips are desirable. The softness is easily obtained by using my secret formula. I will share my recipe. Plumpness is obtained by doing a workout routine. I will also show you my workout routine.
The first tip is for my softness recipe. There are a few common ingredients and their proportions are easy enough. Every ingredient is one tablespoon. The ingredients are as follows: Vaseline, hand lotion, water, ground turnips, mayonnaise, cheesecake, water, and hand lotion. Mix these ingredients into a large bowl, then put in the fridge. Keep refrigerated and label your magic potion. I label mine “K.I.S.S.” This is a mnemonic for “Kissing Is So Simple.” Once it has a firm consistency, you can apply generously to both upper and lower lips. Your lips will glisten.
My second tip is how you can plump up your kisser. Kissing involves a ridiculous amount of muscles. There are 34-facials muscles and 112-postural muscles involved in kissing. The main muscle is the orbicularis oris muscle. This is the muscle that surrounds the mouth. In order to plump your lips up you must exercise this muscle. I recommend the lip push-up. It is the same basic idea as a normal push-up, only you use just your lips and you will only rise up a fraction of an inch.
The next exercise is called the vacuum. Find a clean golf ball. Then put your teeth together. Without separating your teeth, create a vacuum seal around the golf ball with your lips and hold for six minutes.
The final exercise is really more of a stretch. Create the duck face that plagues Facebook. Then grab your lips with your thumbs and index fingers. Then you just pull ridiculously hard. Do all three of the exercises four times a day. These three workouts will have your lips so fat, Kristina Rei will be impressed. Google her picture; she followed my steps.
Your lips are now kissable. Once you have engaged in a kiss you must be confident. The best way to show you are confident in your kisses is to keep your eyes open as wide as you can. Another sign of confidence in a kiss is to text the person you are kissing. Text them how good they look and how much fun you are having.
After confidence comes technique. I have mastered more than 100 different kisses from around the globe. I will share my top five.
My fifth favorite comes from Germany.  The German’s invented the Wiener schnitzel kiss. This is done by kissing with a hot dog spanning the gap between the two mouths. I like it because one must learn how to give and take during the kiss so as to not make their partner gag.
My fourth favorite kiss comes from China. From what I could translate, I believe it is called the 舌头舌头 (Shétou Shétou). This is done by having a couple sit side by side. The press their cheeks together and point their noses to the rising sun. Then they let their tongues do all the work.
My third favorite kiss comes from the good old USA. It actually came from a small town, Price, America. It is called the whisper. This kiss is done over Gibby on True Eagle Night by the bravest of all students. This kiss is so risqué that it requires three people. As these three look at each other over the rock, they make a triangular formation. Tongues are placed in left ears. This is a spicy kiss due to earwax flavor.
My second favorite kiss comes from what was once called Yakutsk in North Eastern Asia. The kiss is called the snarf. There is a more complicated kiss called the double snarf but I will only explain the basic snarf. This is done when one of the two kissers places their mouth over the top of the others nose. They blow hard and if done correctly, the lips of the person receiving the blow will flap like a flag in a hurricane. It is truly a sign of love when this kiss is shared. You may be wondering how this isn’t the best kiss.
I quote from “The Princess Bride” closing scene. “Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that have been rated most passionate, the most pure – this one left them all behind.”
My absolute favorite kiss comes from Australia. It’s called the Outback Heartbreak.  The Aborigines like to kiss with their eyeballs. They gently press cornea to cornea. It is not uncommon for this to be so romantic that tears run down their cheeks, especially if a didgeridoo is playing softly in the background.
I legally cannot share anymore kissing knowledge with you. Just get out there and kiss.