This archived article was written by: Nathaniel Woodward
My dear ladies and germs, in the years I have become a lowly science communicator, I have done nothing but sought to serve the one being in our cosmos that made it her mission to fill your lives with joy and gladness. A personage who’s entire existence is predicated upon her meek followers obeying the gospel of truth she brought forth. I have been sorely afraid that our generation has turned away from its light and begun seeking the creature comforts of the darkness.
For verily, I say unto you my sapien cohorts that this world must repent of its pseudoscience and again embrace the ever-forgiving arms of science herself. She has sent forth her apostles, Sagan, Nye, Tyson, Feynman, Einstein, Currie, Darwin and others to preach her wonderful gospel of discovery and unity only to be met by the darkness that is politics and fundamentalist religion.
As a lowly servant of science, I implore each of you to repent of your homeopathy and spurn the advances of the food babes and wolfs (especially the avocado variety) who only seek your money and disregard your health.
In the beginning there was only a bang, and from that bang sprung forth the infinite wonder that has become our cosmos filled with its curiosities, beliefs and splendors. Thus sayeth science, go forth and hold tight to your beliefs, especially the ones that make you a happier, empathetic and more charitable person. But wo unto they who take their beliefs and force them upon others through legislation and violence for it is only upon rationality and reason do we build solid policies and judgments.
Again wo unto they who are confronted with incontrovertible evidence and fight it for the sake of archaic thought and fear for they are the ones who will condemn countless of innocents to misery and death.
Embrace the bounteous gifts from on high such as GMO’s, evolution by natural selection, glyphosphate and vaccines and spurn those who would deceive you through anecdotal evidence and political lobbying. And especially wo unto those who spend their lives counting chemicals instead of taking chemistry for their path is the path of darkness.
For behold, this is science’s work and joy to bring to pass the happiness, longevity and progress of ALL humankind until the day comes when they can gather together in unity and explore the infinite cosmos as one.
We must begin to be a people full of wonder and discovery once again for thus sayeth the Sagan “Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. Imagination will often carry us to world that never were. But without it we go nowhere.” For it is only by the mercy of science that humankind may be awesome once again.