July 25, 2024

Nathan Milch’s Last Will & Testament

I always like to joke about how I barely existed, until I slowly started to form on the side of a moist rock, in a dark place during my junior year of high school.  I have essentially no memory of my life before age 10 and everything that happened between 11-15 kind of blurred into the same year.  

Perhaps, I have been subconsciously tucking away feelings and events I experenced during those times, but  genuinely feel like I did not understand enough of who I was to retain anything.  While many can recall their experiences in middle school as an angsty, misunderstood preteen, I do not recall going through that depressed phase (or feeling any strong emotions toward anything for that matter).  I spent the next three years letting myself get sucked into the currents of junior high, regretfully getting into anime, and feeling guilty about not being adamant about the religion I was raised in.

I probably assumed that I would have had it figured all out by high school, but my journey of self-discovery, was confusing and uneffective. Instead of attending club meetings and football games, I came to terms with my sexuality and spent an embarrassingly long amount of time getting over a breakup. I also realized I didn’t get along with God and went through a near-tragic depressive spiral, all within the span of a year and a half.

Since high school, my life has been devoted to finding some reason among all the dread and unpredictability in the world.  My journey of self-discovery and problem solving brought me to Price, Utah.  Moving to the middle of nowhere seemed like the way best way to go about completely starting new.  

In all honesty, I was only half-right.  While I learned how to be self-sufficient and became more devoted to school by forcing myself into celibacy, I came to the conclusion that unpredictability will follow you wherever you go.  I have no control over anything except myself and that is starting to become okay with me.

I haven’t the slightest idea what the fully-realized version of myself is.  My brain still feels like television static at its default and I, unfortunately, have not had any ego death breakthroughs that make me understand the universe during my eight months here.  

That aside, Price taught me the best way to discover yourself is to spend time alone with yourself.  Moving away from all my friends and everything that I was familiar with in Salt Lake City almost forced me to spend time with myself.  It was sometimes exhausting to be alone with my thoughts, but I don’t think I would be able to get to know me after 20 years of existing had it not been for this town in the middle of nowhere.

I had a good run out here, but the unpredictability of life is bringing me back to Salt Lake City again.  I still have so much to learn about myself, but my biggest takeaway from all my classmates is my monotone delivery and the resemblance I bear to Jeffrey Dahmer.  I can say, even though I am not even close to figuring it all out, I finally feel like I found a good starting point.  As for everyone else that plans on staying here, I wish you the best of luck spending another year out here without the best burritos in Wellington.

Nathan Milch