June 14, 2024

Bored? It’s a good season to harass runners.

At one point or another, every driver has seen a runner off to the side of the road. Completely out of the
way, minding their own business, doing their own thing.
Everyone has also experienced an inordinate amount of rage upon seeing said runner. Who do they
think they are, taking up space on the sidewalk like that? As a responsible and mature driver, it’s your
job to go out of your way to give those runners a piece of your mind.
Take it from a former track and cross country athlete, runners love nothing more than getting yelled at
while they’re working out. It encourages them to run harder, and the extra adrenaline makes them run
even faster. It’s win-win. You get your anger out, and the runner runs even faster. As such, I’m going to
advise you on the correct way to “cheer on” runners.
First, you obviously want to get in your car. It’s even better if you have a truck, but a car does the job
just fine. If you have some liquid courage in there, all the better. After barreling over anything that
might be sitting in your driveway, you’re out on the open road. The world is your oyster, and those
runners are phytoplankton. Minute. Insignificant.
It’s best to look for runners to cheer up when the sun is high in the sky. Even if it’s not perfect out, you
should be able to find runners as long as there isn’t any wind or rain.
It’s also excellent if you can find a friend to do this with. You can take turns yelling at runners, and have
a good laugh together. This also prevents you from thinking too hard about what you’re doing. Because
if your friend is doing something, it’s obviously okay for you to do it too.
Once you’ve found a runner, it’s time to let loose. Roll down your window, and let out a liquid courage
— or caffeine — induced bellow. After you’ve thoroughly spooked them, make sure they hear your
cackling as you step on the gas and beat the tar out of your horn.
Honking is important. In doing so, runners know you were only screaming at them as a joke. Don’t mind
if they glare at you, or give a one finger salute. That’s just their way of saying thanks! They really
appreciate you taking the time to encourage them to run faster. Even if they do get angry, who cares?
It’s not like they’re actual people with thoughts, emotions, and their own personal struggles.
Additionally, I recommend using phrases such as, “Run faster!” or “Wanna race?” These will remind
them to wonder why they are running, and hopefully convince them to stop.
After you’ve encouraged your first runner, find a few more. It’d be unfair to keep all the love to just one
unsuspecting victim. Nothing says “I have a life” like harassing runners on the sidewalk. Bonus points if
you hit one. They should have been inside watching TV anyways.
However, encouraging and laughing at runners eventually gets old. Scaring them for the hundredth time
just isn’t as funny as it is the first ninety nine.
So why stop with runners?

Luckily, there are far more people on the sidewalks. Everyone deserves a bit of your love, including dog
walkers, young couples, and plain pedestrians alike. If you see someone walking to get their lunch, give
them a hollar too! Things like “Off yourself!” or a random “BLEHRG AHAHAHAHAH” are enough to put a
smile on anyone’s face.
This is best done when they’re alone. If they’re with someone else, they may not need some cheering
up. Better to leave them alone.
Towards the end of your routine, you might get what you deserve. Rocks pelting your truck, poorly
veiled threats, slashed tires, or bricks thrown through your windshields. Were it not illegal, the best
advice I could give would be to cover up your license plate so that no one can track and report you.
Regardless, you should be avoiding cops as you yell at runners anyways. They might take your
encouragements the wrong way. Yelling at runners is a noble task, but there will inevitably be those who
don’t understand what you’re truly doing.
At the end of your day or night, make sure you pull back into your garage, better to be safe than sorry. If
your loved ones ask what you were out doing, tell them you were out serving the homeless, or just
studying at the library. Encouraging runners is a thankless job.
Remember to never tell anyone about what you’ve done, because then you might realize what you’re
really doing, and feel ashamed.