January 28, 2023

Wanted: Workers who won’t complain

The following contains a portion of an email that business owner Jimothy Dippy sent out to minimum wage workers at his Paper Airplane company. Dippy is currently under investigation for abuse allegations in the workplace and breaking federal law.

Back in my day, you worked. Nine to five–an honest day’s work. For the good of the company. And you were grateful for it! In recent times, since CoViD-NiNeTeEn especially, these Gen Z brats and millennial kids just don’t want to work no more!

Lately, something called “Quiet Quitting” has come about. When an employee decides to do the bare minimum for their company. Like they’re only there for the paycheck, or something. Which is absolute crap. We all know Humans live to work, not work to live. Work is where you engage your inner creativity, and socialize with your coworkers, and find purpose in life.

It’s just something these damn millennials just don’t seem to understand. What do you mean you don’t want to go out drinking with your coworkers after your shift? It’s a company tradition! So, what if you have family, or a spouse? You’re saying you want to “spend time with them?” Haha. Get your ass over to the bar.

As an honest American, it’s both your privilege and honor to have your job take over your whole life. That includes swallowing your pride and hanging out with people you already spend your entire day with.

You hate your job?

I don’t care. Because brats like you keep quitting, I’ve had to come in during my paid time off to try and keep this company afloat. Maybe if more of you millennial rats were willing to sit here and grind through the hard times, I’d be willing to share more of my profits.

Guilty until proven innocent with your generation. Every single one of these new age workers are the same. All unwilling to stick it out through a minimum wage job until you get promoted. Knowing that your lazy hides is going to quit, I need to exploit you for everything you’re worthwhile I still can.

You think you’re the first employee we’ve had who doesn’t like working for us? You’re not, and you aren’t special. Just another cog in our machine. You all really need to learn to stop complaining, you’ll bring down the mood of the whole staff.

What this entire generation really needs to learn is to swallow their egos and basic needs for the good of the company. Taking a break? Make sure you clock out. I’m not paying you to waste away on your phone while you stuff yourself like a pig. Or when you “urgently need to use the restroom.” Yeah, you’re not fooling anyone with your 15-minute bathroom breaks. Hurry it up.

Slow day at work? There’s plenty to do around the office! Clean your desk, help your coworkers with any projects they might be struggling with, ask for something to do, doggone-it! There’s always something to be doing. It’s like these stupid millennials don’t understand that they’re at work to work!

Need some proof? I’m sitting here writing this article that our intern was supposed to be working on, but they quit! Something about “being treated horribly.” What these damn kids from Gen Z need to learn is to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, and get down and dirty with their jobs. Sometimes you need to do things you don’t like. For the good of the company.

You think I’m having fun writing this letter? Hell no, but it needs to be done! For the good of the company! Even if I need to stay late, unpaid, I’d make sure it got done. 

And don’t even get me started on how soft you all are!

So, what if I told that silly little intern that I needed this done within two hours, on my desk, by the end of the day? So, what if I’ve taken eight hours by myself on it. These flub-nugging, soft little millennials can’t handle a little bit of a time crunch. Listen up, bucko, because two hours was plenty of time back in my day! This one kid’s laziness is just reflective of their whole generation.

They don’t seem to understand that sometimes the boss men get to yell at you, and that’s just part of the job! Back in my day you’d get screamed at if you messed up, and you thanked the boss for it. You didn’t quit just cause times was hard and you made a mistake doing something you were never taught. Stupid, millennial intern. I took out my anger on him for the good of the company!

That’s another freakin’ lesson these millennials can’t seem to learn. Unpaid overtime is the stuff that promotions are born from. So what if we haven’t promoted anyone in the last ten years? Maybe it’s because everyone’s been quitting. What I can’t seem to understand is how they don’t understand that working hard jobs is just a part of life. And don’t even get me started on how “underpaid” they say they are!

Maybe you wouldn’t be so “underpaid” if you cut down on getting a daily coffee, carpooled with a coworker to save gas money, and stopped eating out once a week. You know what that all adds up to? Like… uh, seven hundred and three dollars saved a month, at least! (I can’t get accurate numbers right now since my accountant QUIT!) Probably more once you cut a bunch of other frivolous crap from your life, too. 

Speaking of money, inflation doesn’t exist. “Inflation” is something lazy jackasses use to try and squeeze a few extra pennies out of my hardly profitable company. Yes, hardly profitable is an accurate description, despite our record numbers this fourth quarter. Something else Gen Z seems to think is that their wages should increase the more profitable the company is. 

They aren’t the ones putting their blood sweat and tears into the company if it goes under, I am! If this company goes under, I lose three of my yachts and two of my mansions! So no, you don’t need to be paid more!

The job exploits you a little bit? Get over it! We all know that minimum wage has risen proportionally with the cost of living in the past few decades. Even if things are a few pennies more than they used to be, work harder! Company loyalty and dedication are how you move up in this world. Work a little harder, and I might consider giving you a couple sick days.

Speaking of safe working conditions and benefits, no, we’re not unionizing. Bring up the U-word again and you’re fired. Union workers are all lazy asshats who are stealing money from good and honest corporations like mine. No, we still aren’t breaking any laws. Technically.

Remember YOU signed that contract. Doesn’t matter if we pressured you into it and downplayed the work you needed to do. YOU need to stick it out and do what needs to be done. For the good of the company.

Just remember, to all you young folk out there, entrepreneurs and true company patriots like me are the ones who thrive in the end. So, what if I have no real social life or friends because I’ve poured my entire heart and soul into this company? In the end, the company is more important than any one of us. Yes, little millennial, even more important than me. And if it’s more important than me, you can bet your rear it’s way more important than you are.

And now that I type this all out, I’ve realized that you lazy rats should just keep on quitting! True company loyalists will always be worth more than you and your stupid “mental health.” If we need to go through a rough patch to weed everyone out, then so be it.

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