The year is 2016. Things are relatively tame and most of us still feel alive on the inside. Everyone didn’t constantly feel like they were living through decades worth of events in a single week. Life was better than it is now. Part of why life was better was because of a swell fella named Harambe.
Harambe peacefully coexisted with humankind. A western lowland silverback gorilla who was young and spry, in the prime of his life. He was ready to live out the rest of his long life in the humane captivity of the Cincinnati zoo.
But who was Harambe, actually?
For the blind, sight. For the thirsty, water. Harambe was sustenance for the starving, a symbol of peace and prosperity in our modern age.
You’ve seen photos of Gandhi before, but what you hadn’t seen was Harambe with him in the background. You might have to squint really hard and shake your head back and forth, but he’s there. A beacon of humility, Harambe always made it a point to hide and blend into the background.
“I do what’s right for the sake of it,” Harambe said. “The reward is the work itself.” At least, that’s what experts think. They could never really understand all those gentle, guttural grunts.
Harambe supported dozens of other peaceful figures, Martin Luther King Jr, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela. Wherever there was service and people suffering, he was there. At the forefront of any peaceful protest, fighting for equality with the best of them.
Any story you’ve heard about Harambe is probably true. Except the bad ones. The one about him saving a child from a burning building? There were actually twelve children, and all of them were unable to escape. Social media went wild when he held up that burning frame with his bare hands.
Harambe also went on to later pay those kids’ college tuition, as well as countless others. Harambe’s heart was as big as he was. The gorilla was also famed for feeding and sheltering the homeless, he anonymously sponsored many shelters and orphanages.
The trajectory of the universe changes forever.
In a devastating chain of incompetence from the parents, the zoo, and dozens of experts, a child falls into Harambe’s enclosure. Pandemonium ensues as everyone freaks out over what’s happening. They don’t see Harambe the person, the gentle animal. They only see a beast and a child. Within ten minutes, Harambe – icon of peace and wildlife conservation – is shot and killed.
Sweet, precious Harambe who only wanted to protect a three year old child. Admittedly, he might have been a little rough when the child fell into his cage initially, but can you blame him? Six hundred pounds doesn’t always mean delicate. Harambe was doing his best with what he had been given, and we still punished him for it.
Without a doubt, the murder of Harambe is humanity’s biggest mistake.