This archived article was written by: Nathaniel Woodward
America is a powder-keg of anger, by far we are the angriest group of people in the history of the planet. Everyday many of us become enraged at anything and everything that contradicts our own subjective worldview, nothing is safe from our righteous indignation. Perhaps the most commonly spoken phrase among the angriest of Americans is, “if you come to my country, learn to speak the language!” Which is, of course, a ridiculous statement. Why? Well, because English is ridiculous itself.
Take a minute and examine just what makes our language impossible, it’s the only language where your house can burn up as it burns down. Where a soldier can desert his dessert in the desert. Don’t blame me if you object to the objections I object, after all you could lead this conversation if you would get the lead out. I will however, refuse to except the refuse you thought to put through to me though.
What’s more tragic is the state of our healthcare system where an invalid’s insurance is deemed invalid. Or the attacks on our Second Amendment rights, my fondest memories are of hunting trips where we would shoot at a dove as it dove into the bushes, or sitting on a hillside and watch a buck as it does funny things when the does are present. I particularly dislike door-to-door salespeople, they get to close to the door to close it. Sometimes they try to sail me down the river for a sale they sell with such passion. Did you hear about the accountant for Elvis? He had to record the records for the records. Why do you have to open up a drain that is plugged up?
The most troubling aspect of the English language isn’t in the many pronunciations of certain words, but in the inconsistencies with definitions. Why do writers write, but fingers not fing? If a painter paints, why doesn’t a hammerer ham? If teachers taught why don’t preachers praught? If it’s hot as heck one day, why is it cold as heck another? Why do noses run and feet smell? How is it that to fill a form in you must fill the form out? How come when the stars are out they are visible, yet when the lights are out they are not? Have you ever watched your kids recite at a play but play at a recital?
These are a few examples, once in an argument I was accused of using too “big” of words. Language can be an incredibly useful tool in conveying your message, but mastering its intricacies takes time and dedication, something not everyone has the time for. There are greater problems in the world than what language people in any geography speak, give them a break, English is ridiculous.